Who am I kidding? The break-downs started the moment I got pregnant with Davyn and have yet to ease up all the way. I had a really bad hormonal day yesterday. You would think with Davyn now being 7 months old, that the hormones would have corrected themselves already. It's probably because I am still nursing.
I have felt a little overwhelmed this past month with trying to finish up my semester of school, finishing up work and trying to be supportive of Cory's new job. The frustration of the lack of communication skills that me and Cory seem to have lately has been a huge contributor too. Not to mention it's the holidays and they are just stressful in-and-of-themselves.
I was looking forward to yesterday's church session. The Christmas Sundays are always one of my favorites of the year. However, I didn't get to enjoy it at all yesterday with my breakdown. I hate to cry, especially for everyone else to see.
My frustration level finally hit it's peak yesterday morning. Cory woke me up a half hour before he had to be to church for choir practice and got himself ready, headed out the door and said he'd meet me at church. Meanwhile, he left me with three kids who weren't dressed, hadn't eaten, didn't have their hair done and two of the three were screaming and grouchy. I was trying to get Taegyn ready while keeping Davyn from screaming his head off because I wasn't holding him and I had deKyn crying in my other ear telling me he didn't want to go to church. Somehow I made it to church only ten minutes late for our meeting with the bishop. Cory and I had tithing settlement and the bishop asked me to offer a prayer. I had a feeling he would ask me when I was on my way to church, and I was coming up with all these excuses in my head to give him when the time came. "Sorry bishop, I really am not in the right mood to say the prayer right now." That's what I wanted to say, but instead I gave a small little laugh and started the prayer that turned into the start of the waterworks. After I said amen, the bishop asked if everything was alright. That is when my weeks and months of frustration came out.
I composed myself by the end of our conversation with the bishop and went and sat in the chapel to wait for church to start. It was fine for the first twenty minutes, but then deKyn started to yell at Taegyn and wouldn't stop. Cory was up on the stand so I was in the bench by myself with the three kids. deKyn was getting so disruptive I had to take him out but I didn't have time to pull Taegyn out with me. By the time I went back in, I couldn't find her and Cory was trying to mouth it to me from up on the stand. Again my frustration was starting to boil over again. deKyn was still throwing his fit, so I found Taegyn and took them both out in the hall with me. After sacrament got out, a girl in the ward made some comment about "oh, you had to deal with your kids all by your self today?" She probably didn't mean anything by it, but to me it was a little condesending like she was trying to say a lot of us women do it, get over it it's not a big deal. I was trying really hard to hold back the tears at this point. Cory came out, drug deKyn to his class while I tried to take Taegyn to hers. And of course she didn't want to go so she starts throwing a fit. One of my friends was outside the door when I was trying to get Taegyn to go to her class. She asked if I was okay and that's when I started to cry again. I HATE crying in front of people. It's awkward not only for me but for them too. Cory came around the corner at that point and took Taegyn to class while I went to the girls bathroom to cry my eyes out. I composed myself for the second time and went to go find Cory to tell him I was going home when two more people asked if everything was all right. Every time someone new would ask that, I would tear up again and try to hold back the sobs.
I did finally end up going home and crying it out. The sad thing is, it started over something really dumb and every little thing set it off again. I guess sometimes all you need is just a really good cry. But I would rather that be in the privacy of my own home and not at church where everyone can stare at me.
Drawing game
8 years ago
5 comments:
Aren't hormones great? Sometimes you do just need a good cry! It makes thing feel so much better, even though it sucks big time! And there's nothing worse than crying at church. I've been there too, on more than one occasion. -Hope that makes you feel better :) We should be in a club. We'll call it the "crying uncontrollably at church club." were people look at you all funny and ask if everything's alright. You wanna look at them and say, "do I look alright to you? That's why my eyes are red and puffy and my nose won't stop running." If ya haven't been there ya don't understand... Anyway, I miss you let me know when you're free to get together. (BTW, I nominate you the president of club)
Aww I'm sorry! You're not alone! That is why I don't dare go to church on my own with Akira, and we never go early. She has about 20 minutes in her where she can sit relatively quiet, than it's off to the hallway to run around. I don't know what it is about church, but I feel like I'm gonna burst into tears every week!
Hope you feel better today!
Oh Abby.... Been there, done that... and it SUCKS!!!! I believe it's time for a GNO... I know I am in dire need of one.
I love ya sis :)
I know how you feel. If I didn't have a calling that I had to be there for I think I would forfeit church when I have to take my kids alone. You should have called me and talked to me. You know you can always cry to me. I have done it several times to you. Just know that you are loved. I don't know what I would do without such a great friend.
ABBY, I'm so sorry. I absolutely HATE days like that!! They totally suck. I'm sorry you had a bad day, but it makes me feel a little more normal to know that I'm not the only one!
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