Who am I kidding? The break-downs started the moment I got pregnant with Davyn and have yet to ease up all the way. I had a really bad hormonal day yesterday. You would think with Davyn now being 7 months old, that the hormones would have corrected themselves already. It's probably because I am still nursing.
I have felt a little overwhelmed this past month with trying to finish up my semester of school, finishing up work and trying to be supportive of Cory's new job. The frustration of the lack of communication skills that me and Cory seem to have lately has been a huge contributor too. Not to mention it's the holidays and they are just stressful in-and-of-themselves.
I was looking forward to yesterday's church session. The Christmas Sundays are always one of my favorites of the year. However, I didn't get to enjoy it at all yesterday with my breakdown. I hate to cry, especially for everyone else to see.
My frustration level finally hit it's peak yesterday morning. Cory woke me up a half hour before he had to be to church for choir practice and got himself ready, headed out the door and said he'd meet me at church. Meanwhile, he left me with three kids who weren't dressed, hadn't eaten, didn't have their hair done and two of the three were screaming and grouchy. I was trying to get Taegyn ready while keeping Davyn from screaming his head off because I wasn't holding him and I had deKyn crying in my other ear telling me he didn't want to go to church. Somehow I made it to church only ten minutes late for our meeting with the bishop. Cory and I had tithing settlement and the bishop asked me to offer a prayer. I had a feeling he would ask me when I was on my way to church, and I was coming up with all these excuses in my head to give him when the time came. "Sorry bishop, I really am not in the right mood to say the prayer right now." That's what I wanted to say, but instead I gave a small little laugh and started the prayer that turned into the start of the waterworks. After I said amen, the bishop asked if everything was alright. That is when my weeks and months of frustration came out.
I composed myself by the end of our conversation with the bishop and went and sat in the chapel to wait for church to start. It was fine for the first twenty minutes, but then deKyn started to yell at Taegyn and wouldn't stop. Cory was up on the stand so I was in the bench by myself with the three kids. deKyn was getting so disruptive I had to take him out but I didn't have time to pull Taegyn out with me. By the time I went back in, I couldn't find her and Cory was trying to mouth it to me from up on the stand. Again my frustration was starting to boil over again. deKyn was still throwing his fit, so I found Taegyn and took them both out in the hall with me. After sacrament got out, a girl in the ward made some comment about "oh, you had to deal with your kids all by your self today?" She probably didn't mean anything by it, but to me it was a little condesending like she was trying to say a lot of us women do it, get over it it's not a big deal. I was trying really hard to hold back the tears at this point. Cory came out, drug deKyn to his class while I tried to take Taegyn to hers. And of course she didn't want to go so she starts throwing a fit. One of my friends was outside the door when I was trying to get Taegyn to go to her class. She asked if I was okay and that's when I started to cry again. I HATE crying in front of people. It's awkward not only for me but for them too. Cory came around the corner at that point and took Taegyn to class while I went to the girls bathroom to cry my eyes out. I composed myself for the second time and went to go find Cory to tell him I was going home when two more people asked if everything was all right. Every time someone new would ask that, I would tear up again and try to hold back the sobs.
I did finally end up going home and crying it out. The sad thing is, it started over something really dumb and every little thing set it off again. I guess sometimes all you need is just a really good cry. But I would rather that be in the privacy of my own home and not at church where everyone can stare at me.
Drawing game
8 years ago
